Don’t ever bet on the NFL unless you want to end up like me and lose all of your money. However, if you are a degenerate gambler like myself, and find yourself scouring lines at 2:30 on a Tuesday, take a minute and read the wisdom I have laid down for you fine people. The perfect week starts now!
Houston -5 at Cincinnati (Thursday Night)
Both teams played like absolute dog shit last Sunday and I don’t foresee that happening again. Give me Cinci -5 at home against the rookie Deshaun Watson making his first start.
Cleveland +7.5 at Baltimore
Despite losing last week, Cleveland looked the best they have in a while. They absolutely shut down the league’s best running back and I expect more of the same this week. Give me Cleveland with the points.
Buffalo +7.5 at Carolina
Bills Mafia baby… nuff said. Buffalo all the way.
Arizona -7.5 at Indianapolis
The Colts without Andrew Luck might as well be playing in the Sun Belt conference. They are the most pathetic team in the NFL right now, slightly inching out the Jets. Arizona could be giving up 28 points and I would still take them.
Tennessee -1.5 at Jacksonville
Unfortunately the annual color rush game isn’t being played on Thursday this year. Both teams looked pretty good last week but being a former Nashville native I gotta go with the homies on this one.
Philadelphia -4.5 at Kansas City
Although I’m still bitter over the ass whooping the Chiefs dealt the Pats last week, I will acknowledge that it was not a fluke. Kansas City looks like a complete team this year and Carson Wentz is still a ginger. Give me Kansas City -4.5.
New England -6.5 at New Orleans
Nobody wants to face a pissed off Tom Brady, especially the league’s worst defense. New Orleans made that crippled bitch Sam Bradford look like the second coming of Jesus Christ so I can only imagine how they will fold when they face a real QB. Pats by a billion.
Minnesota +6.5 at Pittsburg
This should be a great battle and my gut is telling me to take the Vikings. At the same time I don’t see Leveon being shut down again. Also, Antonio Brown is a freak of nature so I’m giving the nod to the Steelers here.
Chicago -7 at Tampa Bay
Tampa Bay is coming off an extended preseason and I think it will bode well for them. Even though Chicago played well against Atlanta, I like Tampa Bay and their high powered offense.
Miami +4.5 at Los Angeles Chargers
3 words… SMOKIN JAY CUTLER. I hate that I love Cutty so much and although I’m 99% sure that this will backfire on me, I’m taking the Dolphins +4.5.
New York Jets +14 at Oakland
Very tempting to take the Jets +14 here but they are truly that shitty of a team. Oakland will roll and take down NY with little difficulty.
Dallas -2.5 at Denver
Fuck both these teams but definitely fuck Denver more. The only thing the Broncos have going for them is their home crowd. Still gimme the Boys -2.5.
Washington +2.5 at Los Angeles Rams
This is one of the tougher games on the slate this weekend. I do love Jared Goff and the Rams but I think captain Kirk has a bounce back game and takes it to the Rams this week.
San Francisco +13.5 at Seattle
Even though Seattle’s offensive line is less useful than a poopy flavored lollipop, I’m still giving them the nod here. I thought San Fran had some promise before that embarrassing display against Carolina… I stand corrected they still suck.
Green Bay +2.5 at Atlanta
Not sure why Atlanta is favored here… the Falcons barely pulled out the win against Mike Glennon and the abysmal Chicago Bears. I’m taking the Packers with the points.
Detroit +4 at New York Giants (Monday Night)
This is shaping up to be a very good matchup. Detroit played great and beat a formidable Arizona team last week, while the Giants offense looked like shit against Dallas. New York has all the pieces and this game might come down to if Odell Beckham plays or not. I think New York bounces back and wins this game on Monday night.