10. Kawhi Leonard, Predicted Injury: Paper Cut
This man was cleared by several teams and independent doctors to play last season, but still refused to play because Pop hurt his feelings. Now Kawhi wants out of one of the most proven organizations in basketball and it is becoming more and more likely that Kawhi curves LeBron and goes to that other team in Los Angeles. Learn what it’s like to actually sit a season with an injury meathead.
9. Kevin Durant, Predicted Injury: Twisted Testicle
This injury may come as a particular surprise given that Kevin Durant proved that he does, in fact, have no balls following his decision to go to the Golden State Warriors. However, given his male anatomy I’m gonna go out on a limb and give him the benefit of the doubt that he has them (no I’m not sorry for assuming his gender). KD better hope that Draymond and Zaza keep their feet to themselves this season.
8. Rajon Rondo, Predicted Injury: Frostbite
The only thing colder than this man’s soul is his jump shot. They call him Ra-on Rondo for a reason, he doesn’t have a j. Now that he is going to be competing with Lonzo Ball for minutes this coming season, there will be a lot of pressure on this seasoned veteran to step up his game. Unfortunately, nobody has a worse attitude or work ethic than Ra-on Rondo. Given that his biggest weakness is his god awful shooting (from literally everywhere possible), the smart man would work on his shooting. Rondo, however, will continue to do nothing to fix this problem and will be so cold shooting this season that he will get actual frostbite.
7. Dennis Schroder, Predicted Injury: Scalp Lacerations
The fact the Schroder is probably the best player on the Atlanta Hawks should really say something about the organization as a whole. Schroder is a limp noodle with one of the worst haircuts that I’ve ever seen. I would be lying if I told you that I don’t suffer from extreme nausea every time I see Schroder’s haircut on the TV. I am confident that his teammates feel the same way, and will force him to get a haircut at some point during the 2018-2019 NBA season. While getting said haircut, he is likely to blind his barber, who will then severely cut his head.
6. Grayson Allen, Predicted Injury: Black Eye/Partial Blindness
It only took the infamous, Grayson Allen 30 minutes to get into his first tussle in the NBA. Am I shocked? Yes, I would’ve set his timer at 15 minutes. Allen is fortunate that his first altercation was with Trae Young, who is quite possibly the weakest player in the entire NBA. When Allen goes up against a formidable guard and inevitably throws hands (or legs), I don’t expect it to end well for Grayson.
5. Austin Rivers, Predicted Injury: Bruised Buttocks
The OG Daddy’s Boy, Austin Rivers was recently traded away to the Washington Wizards. And I am absolutely positive that the Zards cannot wait to bench that bum. He’s not a bad guy, but he’s gonna get walked all over by literally every single player on the Wizards roster. Especially Beal and Wall, who do not take anything from anybody, let alone Daddy’s perfect little boy. Doc Rivers is gonna be hitting his son with the belt all season, while he rides the bench.
4. Derrick Rose, Predicted Injury: Do I even need to say it?
Rose was once the youngest player in NBA history to win league MVP, however, this man is not playing at a level anywhere close to that of his former self. He is working his way to being the only player in NBA history to win the MVP award and not make the Hall of Fame. Now he is just barely vying for a spot on the bench of an average NBA Roster. This has mostly been a result of blowing out both of his knees in back-to-back seasons, which pretty much torched his chances of getting back to form. It’s a tragic situation to say the least, but Rose should put himself out of his misery and blow out his knees for a final time.
3. DeMarcus Cousins, Predicted Injury: Brain Damage
I’m just gonna start this one off by saying that I am absolutely confident that DeMarcus Cousins is the dumbest player in the NBA by a long shot. That being said, I whole-heartedly expect Cousins to do something absolutely stupid at some point throughout his first (and probably only) season with the Golden State Warriors. I don’t know how he’s gonna do it, but if any player could manage to end his career with brain damage it’s DeMarcus Cousins. The good news for Cousins is after damaging his most vital organ, the difference in his intelligence will be barely noticeable. He should try his luck in the Special Olympics, I would be shocked if he didn’t qualify.
2. Kyle Singler, Predicted Injury: Hit By Team Bus
Kyle Singler is the worst player in the NBA hands down. I’ve never been a fan of Singler even when he was at Duke, and his production in the NBA is exactly what I expected from him after he got drafted. He’s not a late bloomer, he simply has no talent. His team will probably put him out of his misery by “accidentally” hitting him with the team bus. At least the team would save enough cap space money to buy the team lunch next Wednesday. Also, do us all a favor and get a haircut buddy; you look genuinely repulsive.
1. Carmelo Anthony, Predicted Injury: I Don’t Care, Just Get Hurt
Carmelo Anthony is one of the single-most overrated athletes that my generation has ever seen. I will give him credit that he put the Denver Nuggets on the map and had a few good seasons. However, since then he has effectively ruined every organization that has had the displeasure of taking him on. Anthony is that kid on the playground that never passes the ball and misses almost every single shot that he takes. He kills team chemistry and moral and has no place on any NBA roster. Period. I don’t care how you get injured Melo, just get the hell out of the NBA.