The Winter Olympics are finally upon us and it could not come soon enough. After the Patriots lost in devastating fashion I locked myself in my room with a handle of shit whiskey and proceeded to question my entire existence. After coming to the sad realization that sports are really the only thing I have in this pathetic, lonely little life of mine I decided to pick up the pieces, move forward and write this blog.
Leading up to the Olympics we like to take a deeper dive into the events that people don’t pay any attention to until the Olympics come around. The kind of sports that you don’t really remember until this time of the year and thank god because February fucking sucks and is by far the absolute worst month in the world of sports. So, without further adieu here are my top 5 Winter Olympic events.
5. Ski Jumping
Simple, little explanation needed, and very entertaining to watch People just bombing down the hill, hitting a massive jump at full speed and just trying to get as high and far as they possibly can. A huge added bonus is when they have horrific wipeouts and you’re not sure if they died or just really embarrassed themselves.
4. Figure Skating
Say what you want about me putting this in my top 5, but figure skating is back in a HUGE way. I always loved the outlandish costumes and the delicate choreographed moves that these ice angels put on for us. Is there anything better after nailing a performance than having the crowd rain flowers down upon you? I think not. Also the movie I Tonya recently came out and has revamped a lot of people’s interest in this sport.
3. Ice Hockey
Despite popular opinion, Ice Hockey was an American sport that the Canadians stole from us. A lot of the early records and scriptures have been lost in the annals of history, so I guess we’ll never really know what happened, but after a certain amount of time I’m pretty sure we just gave it to them. I mean it is Canada after all, and besides maple syrup and shitty accents what else do they really have? Anyways I digress, hockey is fucking sweet and if you’re not watching Miracle on Ice before the Olympics start you should probably move to Canada and rethink your life.
Gone are the days where Shaun White was throwing down double air Mcnasty’s and winning every gold medal under the sun, but this is still by far one of the best events. Nowadays you are almost guaranteed to see some little 14 year old kid from Japan go out there, shred some gnar pow, and make you wonder how the fuck he just did that. And please let me clarify… I’m talking halfpipe, not that other lame shit. The halfpipe is the IT event in the Winter Olympics that no one should ever miss.
1. Women’s Curling
Ahhhh yes, curling. And if you’re wondering why I decided to make the distinction about women’s curling, it’s because there is a huge fucking difference. Perhaps the sleeper of the century when it comes to hot chicks… the curling teams have them in spades. It almost makes you wonder if they had to submit a picture before they tried out for the team. People may think I’m crazy, but this year keep an eye out for the women’s curling teams (more specifically team Canada, Switzerland, Great Britain, and Sweden). Smokes from top to bottom. And hey if you care about watching the actual sport I’ll just say this…. There are definitely worse ways to kill a few hours.
That’s all for me for the time being. I’m still in denial and going through the 7 steps of grief. Drinking liquor heavily during the week is part of the process right?
P.S Fuck…. After I wrote that very clever and witty line I realized it was a god damn Philadelphia slogan.
Fuck fuck fuck