I am whole-heartedly convinced that no matter what happens to Carmelo Anthony, he will continue to live in his own fantasy world where he is actually good at basketball. He is now one of the worst defenders at his position in the NBA and his offensive efficiency has continuously declined throughout his career. It’s hard for somebody who can’t play defense or score in any way other than low post isolation to succeed on any team in today’s NBA. However, Carmelo’s ego is still in full swing as he is convinced that he deserves to be the first-option on any NBA team’s starting five. Unfortunately for Carmelo, this couldn’t be more wrong. Given his obvious irrelevance to the sport, I wanted to celebrate his lack of talent by anticipating scenarios in which Carmelo would still claim that he’s still an All-NBA player.
7. Condition: Ovarian Cyst
After visiting his gynecologist this past weekend, Carmelo Anthony was diagnosed with Ovarian cysts. His physician followed up by stating that he recommends that Anthony sit out the remainder of the NBA season. To which Carmelo Anthony reportedly responded by shouting profanities at his physician and storming out of the facility. He later called a press conference, during which he declared that he does not expect his condition to impact his performance at all whatsoever and that he will put together his best career season thus far.
6. Condition: Deafness
Last night, Carmelo Anthony was reportedly screaming in aggressive unison by the entire Rockets organization. This verbal altercation unfortunately resulted in Anthony losing his sense of hearing completely. Although he has stated that he is too good at basketball to waste his time learning sign language, Carmelo stated that his recent loss of hearing will have no impact on his game whatsoever. “As long as my teammates can hear me yell for the ball, I will continue to score.” Anthony went on to say that he doesn’t need to listen to defensive changes throughout the game because he already doesn’t put forth effort on the defensive end.
5. Condition: Brain-Damage
After hitting his head on court during a solo practice yesterday, Carmelo Anthony has reportedly suffered severe brain-damage. We were fortunate enough to have reporters in his hospital, who bombarded Anthony with questions as soon as he emerged from his coma. When asked when he expects to return during the coming season, Anthony responded with a series of randomly appended syllables and drool. Although we cannot determine anything from his official statement for certain, his agent has gone on the record stating that Carmelo expects to play every game in the coming season and average 34 points and 18 rebounds per game.
4. Condition: Schizophrenia
Former All-Star Carmelo Anthony, has been spontaneously diagnosed with severe schizophrenia by his new Houston Psychiatrist. Despite no family history of mental illness at all his condition appears severe. His physician released a formal statement, “Carmelo is completely stuck in an alternate reality in which he is convinced that he is an NBA superstar. More tests and evaluations must be done in order to determine the true severity of his condition.” During last nights press conference, Carmelo gingerly entered the area wearing no pants, asking that all of the geese in the room be let outside. Anthony responded to questions about his new condition by yelling a series of random profanities and basketball statistics that were in no way relevant to his game. Anthony was then placed in a straight jacket and taken from the conference within minutes of responding to questions.
3. Condition: Loss of Arms
Upon losing both of his arms in a freak accident, Carmelo Anthony will reportedly still play in the coming NBA season. Anthony stated, “I’m hands down the biggest scoring threat, even without my arms.” He stated that he is currently pioneering a new form of ball handling and shooting form, which he intends to use to “take the NBA by storm.” A bold statement, but I would never expect anything less from the notorious Carmelo Anthony.
2. Condition: Blindness
Carmelo Anthony was guided into his most recent press conference by two team trainers, after reportedly losing complete sense of sight in both eyes. The sensation was lost last night, while watching his highlights from last season. Carmelo made his opening statement at the press conference, facing the back wall, stating, “This game is in my soul. I don’t need to see the ball to score, I don’t need to see the basket to score. If you think that I’ll struggle on defense from now on, ya’ll are wrong. I never gave a [profanity] about defense, I only care about buckets.” Anthony appears determined as always to prove that he still belongs in the NBA despite digressing in each of the past seasons.
1. Condition: Broken Vertebrae
Although paralyzed from the neck down, Carmelo Anthony is determined to be a starter on the Championship contending Houston Rockets this coming season. Carmelo recently released an official statement from the ICU last night. His statement was passed onto sources from his agent, who impersonated Anthony, gargling, “I am the greatest NBA player of all time, nobody scores like me, nobody moves like me. I’ll shoot the lights out of this [profanity] building.” Whether or not his statement will come to fruition is yet to be seen, but at the very least we can expect him to play at the same level as he has the past few seasons. Our hearts are with Carmelo and hopefully we’ll get to see him sit on the sidelines sometime soon.