Alright boys, girls, and Jenners its time to check out this year’s college football’s All Name Team. These players were lucky enough to have some of the most creative, drunk, and possibly illiterate parents of all time but were able to fight through that adversity to live out their dreams of playing college football.
QB – Chad President, Tulsa
My fellow Americans, Mr. President is one of the few players on this list whose parents actually hindered his chances of making the prestigious All Name Team by naming him Chad. Nevertheless, the ability to be called Mr. President earns you a spot on the ANT.
RB – Quaide Weimerskirch, Georgia Tech
Look, we all loved The Day After Tomorrow and know that my man DQ got robbed of the Oscar for his portrayal of Lindsay Lohan’s father in The Parent Trap, so can you really blame Mr. and Mrs. Weimerskirch for naming their son after the man?
RB – Squally Canada, BYU
I believe this is the name for the Canadian version of the film The Perfect Storm. If you don’t understand that, then you should probably look up what a “squall” is.
WR – Equanimeous St. Brown, ND
WR – Edgar Poe, Army
A gold star for Mr. and Mrs. Poe for naming their son after one of the most bat-shit crazy dudes to ever walk the Earth. Another gold star for Edgar himself for being a WR at Army where he is as likely to catch a pass as I am.
WR – Damore’ea Stringfellow, Ole Miss
As a Rebel, I needed to include String on this list. Besides the fact that he wins the award for most letters in his name before an apostrophe, the dude is an absolute beast.
TE – Jeb Blazevich, UGA & Cole Boozer, Temple
These two are included simply under the hope that they honor the name of their father. Plus, we’ve all seen Gronk, so we know TE’s are the life of the party. If the All Name Team throws a rager, you know Blaze and Boozer are headin’ up the Let’s-Get-Weird Task Force.
OL – Thor Jozwiak, USF
Ah yes, the Norse god of thunder and lightning accepted a scholarship to play football at…USF. Either that or his parents were shitfaced Marvel comic fans.
OL – Brynjar Gudmundsson, USF
I can only assume that USF head coach Willie Taggert got a little too high in Amsterdam and figured he would set up a recruiting pipeline in Scandinavia. There is no other reasonable explanation for having Thor and Brynjar on your offensive line.
OL – Blaze Ryder, Navy
I’m a heterosexual male, but I would have sex with this man’s name.
OL – Wolfgang Zacherl, Charlotte
A true renaissance-man, Wolfgang’s off-the-field activities include ballroom dancing, Shakespeare, and the courtship of the fairest dames in the land. Mother’s lock up your daughters, because you’re gonna want all this dick for yourself.
OL – Will Clapp, LSU
Will Clapp, as I imagine is the case with most folk of the heralded Red Stick, is a true believer in raw doggin’ when hog huntin’. He’s got the name, and the medical bills to show for it.
DL – Lion King, Eastern Michigan
This is not a nickname, this guy is no-shit named after The Lion King. Yeah, I couldn’t believe it either, but he is first ballot hall-of-famer when it comes to the All Name Team.
DL – Prince Tega Wanogho, Auburn
Pretty sure this is the asshole that keeps telling me he will give me 3 gazillion American U.S. dollars if I send him my credit card information.
DL – Dee Liner, Arkansas State
Did he really have another choice for a profession? This man stared destiny in the face, and accepted the challenge.
DL – Silverberry Mouhon, Cincy
If football doesn’t work out, this guy has a chance at branding his own cereal. Who wouldn’t want to start their day with a nice large bowl of Silverberries?
LB – Simba Short, Northwestern
Simba has only Lion King and my nostalgia to thank for being on the All Name Team. Oh and these weird ass parents who keep naming their kids after Disney movies. This list will be retired at the first “Elsa” to play college football.
LB – Bam Bradley, Pittsburgh & Bull Barge, South Alabama
These two are grouped together as they are already set to win the WWE Tag Team title. Move over Hawk and Animal, Bull and Bam are coming for blood this Sunday at SU-SU-SU-SUPERSLAM!!!
DB – Prince Charles Iworah, Western Kentucky University
Two Princes (whaddup Spin Doctors) make the list this year, but this one has me a little more flabbergasted. I know that Auburn pays very well but it seems that royal-family money trumps Western Kentucky money.
DB – Leviticus Payne, Cincinnati
Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Payne, you were able to find the bad-ass name the Bible could offer you. This guy very easily could have starred as a villain in Gladiator and nobody would have skipped a beat.
DB – Picasso Nelson, Jr., Southern Mississippi
This man’s name brings one question to mind: There’s a Picasso Nelson, Sr.?
DB – Money Hunter, Arkansas State
This guy’s fuckin name is Money Hunter.
K – Younghoe Koo, BYU
I bet you didn’t know that the offspring of an unlikely romance between Young Thug and his Mormon-Korean mail order bride was a kicker for BYU.
P – Logan McElfresh, Minnesota
I can only imagine how many times Greg McElroy dreamed of him and the guys going out for a round of beers and giving him the nickname “McElfresh” before he woke up next to chick that I can only guess was a solid deuce, deuce-and-a-half, with a “nice personality.”