Ever hear that feel-good corporate saying, “There’s no such thing as a problem. Only opportunities”? Well, when I found out I could bet on curling in the Olympics, instead of thinking maybe I had a gambling problem, I knew instantly that I had a gambling OPPORTUNITY.
Let’s back up. I fucking LOVE curling. It’s the ultimate “I could do that” sport. Hit a baseball? I stopped doing that at the same time everybody learned how to throw a curve. Football? Yeah, football was my JAM…until I stopped growing at about age fourteen. Basketball? See above. Golf? The only thing remarkable about my golf game was the distance and accuracy with which I could throw my clubs after yet another 30-yard worm burner.
But curling? Now we’re talking! Sliding a big rock down 50 yards of ice trying to get it to stop on a target that looks like the old RAF logo in WWII. Hells, yeah! Who couldn’t do that? And if you’re not sliding that rock, you’re sweeping the shit out of the ice with a Swiffer Wet-Jet. The best part? After you slide the rock, you get to yell at the sweepers about what a shitty job they’re doing. What’s not to love?
Well, funny story. You may be surprised to find out it’s not quite that easy. Last Valentine’s Day, my wife and I took a curling lesson at an ice rink here in town. (Cause I’m a fucking ROMANTIC, that’s why!) First off, the ice is slick. I mean really slick. Who knew? I spent more time on my knees than an alter boy. The best part was, being old and fat, the instructor would immediately glide over and ask me if I was okay. “Fuck off, Sven, I’m fine. Just help me get up and hand me my goddamn Swiffer.”
— BBC Breakfast (@BBCBreakfast) February 14, 2018
But despite my personal lack of curling ability, I still love the game. It’s like ice chess played on a frozen bowling lane by guys and gals who look like they’re no stranger to a can of Old Style. And now I’m betting on it. And winning. I bet on Canada to win Mixed Doubles at +170 and I had also had the over in the men’s game where they tied the Olympic record for points scored. Two-for-two, baby! I can’t believe I spent all those years betting on “sucker sports.” What we have right here gang, is an OPPORTUNITY! And you better get on board because it won’t be back for another four years.