Jake Peavy is a typical southern guy. He loves Jesus, his momma, hunting and fishing with his buddies back home in Alabama…and slathering his man bag with Icy Hot. You read that right. Icy-fucking-Hot…on the balls…on purpose.
He says he learned the trick from Roger Clemens, who apparently used to coat his entire body with it before every start in order to “make himself meaner.” Apparently having his trainer inject steroids and HGH directly into his ass left him feeling just a little too chipper.
Peavy took it a step further. He concentrated solely on the guy globes and little Louisville Slugger. Holy shit! That is HOF-level motivation right there. No wonder that fucker was always yelling at everybody. Every time I’d watch Peavy pitch, he just seemed to be screaming all the time. Screaming at himself, screaming at the other team, screaming at the cotton candy guy behind home plate. You couldn’t quite make out the words so I always wondered, “what is this idiot screaming about this time?” Now we know. He spent the entire game yelling, “MY FUCKING BALLS ARE ON FIRE!!!”
If you’ve never used Icy Hot, just know that its name is a very accurate description of the product. You use it on sore muscles or joints either before or after the game. You put it on and you think, “Hey, that feels pretty good. Kinda cool and soothing. Wait. Hey, it’s getting a little warmer. Now it’s a lot warmer. Now it’s…holy fuck! Where’s that goddamn trainer?! I am gonna kill that little bony fucker.”
After the first time you used it, every man immediately has the same thought. “For the love of God, keep that shit away from my spunk bunkers!” And, by the way, if you have read this far and haven’t once winced or felt a slight tingling downstairs, you’re a better man than me.
So, now, at age 36, Jake Peavy is trying to catch on with a major league team. Whoever he signs with better order extra Icy Hot. Or better yet, maybe just some Ghost Pepper extract like the shit that idiot used to wolf down on Man VS. Food. (Pro tip: Always take Food and lay the points). Put some of that extract on a Q-Tip and just ram everything right up the old Lincoln Log and call it a day. Time to see how bad he really wants it.