Hey everyone, look at me! I am doing a mock draft. Mock drafting is as simple as blindly throwing darts, assembling a list based on where they land, and smirking to yourself as everyone believes you know what you are talking about. Welcome to the Hash Sports NFL Mock Draft Negative 1.0. It is negative 1.0 because I am completely clueless, but as far as I can tell, the same goes for the fuckwads on about a million other websites…even more so the “experts” on television. I may not know shit, but there is a good chance that I can nail this mock draft better than our dear friend Mel Kiper Jr.
1. Cleveland Browns (0-16 HAHAHAHAHAHA) – Danny Etling, QB LSU – The Browns are obligated to fuck this up. They aspire to lose games, so this was an easy decision. Etling should have no problem fitting into the Browns system. He will start immediately, and the Browns offense will regress from last year–which is the goal in Cleveland. Coach O may even give Danny a ride to Cleveland on his magic-carpetesque flying beignet to help move on from the Etling era more quickly.
2. Denver Broncos (5-11) (via NY Giants) – (Giants trade pick to Broncos by swapping picks, sending a bag of chips and Chad Kelly) – Broncos select – Josh Allen, QB Wyoming – For all of you that think Josh Allen is a great NFL prospect I am here to tell you that you are stupid. He is a slam dunk bust, and that is why John Elway and company will trade up to get him. Elway has proven to be a pretty (pretty like a horse) solid GM, but he has quite the track record to suggest incompetence with respect to drafting and developing young QBs. As such, Josh Allen is a no brainer to take the reins of the Sieman, Brock, and Lynch legacy. Meanwhile, The Giants get that Ole Miss pedigree QB for the future. Josh can be mentored by another Ole Miss QB. Yeah, they are two very different people, but dumb recognizes dumb. They will get along wonderfully as Eli shows him around NYC, sharing his favorite walls to stare at blankly.
3. Indianapolis Colts (4-12) – Tim Tebow, Athlete New York Mets – In a shocking decision through the powerful prayer of Tim Tebow, the NFL has decided to allow him to re-enter the draft. Josh McDaniels is getting a redo at being a head coach, and he kicks this go around off right where he did the last by drafting Tim Tebow. After a long talk with Tebow about how he’s been praying harder than ever, McDaniel not only now knows that Tebow is ready to be a dominant NFL QB, but he can also play every other position on the field. Toss Andrew Luck to the curb. His career is over due to his team’s owner spending millions on Vicodin and Percocet rather than an even semi-competent orthopedist.
4. Cleveland Browns (0-……..?) – The browns are obligated, again, to fuck this pick up. I would give better chances to the poor soul who has received anal sex from Shaq on being able to hold a fart in the next day, then I would give to the Browns to get this pick right. Actually, that is what the Cleveland Browns are: a sphincter-less asshole just pouring out diarrhea. Each year more sloppy shit just keeps-a-flowing, and Haslem and co watch hapless Hugh Jackson attempt to mold, or more appropriately, finger paint a masterpiece with it.
5. NY Giants (3-13) – via Denver Broncos – Some Random Babysitter – This is why they traded back. They knew a babysitter would still be available at #5. We all know why they need a babysitter. Odell Beckham needs someone to change his diaper during his temper tantrums and shove a pacifier in his mouth to muffle his pouting fits on the sideline. Plus he is injured all the time, so he will need his tummy rubbed while in street clothes cheering on the team. This really could go a long way to getting the Giants back into the playoffs.
6. NY Jets – Sam Darnold, QB USC – With all the surprising picks early in the draft, the Jets’ dream scenario bust pick drops to them. Darnold has had his dick sucked 24/7 by the media for the last 2 years, yet he has looked average at best on the field. Darnold leaves them one Rex Ryan away from completing a full blown Mark Sanchez 2.0.
7. TB Buccaneers – A “W” Shaped Crab Leg – The Buccaneers have some young talent. They just seem to be lacking good coaching, as well as food that Jameis Winston finds appetizing. The man resorted to eating his fingers shaped in a “W.” The Bucs shoot on over to Publix and draft the freshest crab legs in the store.
8. Chicago Bears – Forfeit All Their Picks – The Bears made the surprise trade of the year last draft by trading nearly all their picks to move up and draft a guy that was probably going to fall to them anyway. They are so pleased with the unproven Trubisky that they skip the draft and start preparing for the #1 pick next year.
9. SF 49ers – Michael Sam, DE, Missouri (retired) – The 49ers draft Michael Sam out of retirement with the thinking that he can become the player he was in college, playing in a city where he can be embraced and feel comfortable in his own skin.
10. Oakland Raiders – Younghoe Koo, K, Georgia Southern – Yes, this is a real person. And just like Gruden’s first stint with the Raiders when he drafted Sebastian Janikowski in the 1st round, he follows suit and drafts another foreign kicker with his first pick. Slam Dunk.
11. Miami Dolphins – Marlboro Lights Cigarettes – With Smokin Jay Cutler on your team you need plenty of cigs for the guy. Have you seen all the pictures of him on the sideline smoking cigs? Dude is a chimney.
12. Cincinnati Bengals – Arden Key, LB, LSU – The Bengals select Key because he has some of the biggest red flags in this draft class. He left LSU prior to the start of last season to check into rehab. He contemplated sitting out on the Tigers and had a down year littered with questionable effort. Arden Key is a Burfict fit for the low-character loving Bengals.
13. Washington Redskins – Chief Wahoo, Logo Cleveland Indians – In an effort to increase the racism from the Washington Redskins, Dan Snyder drafts the freshly vacated Chief Wahoo logo. Fans will be encouraged to paint their faces red, don Native-American headdresses, and participate in a new cheer in which everyone taps their hands against their mouths while making the classic “oooohh wooo wuuhhh wuuhhh” sound reminiscent of Dan Snyder’s beloved first settlers.
14. GB Packers – Jordan Rodgers, QB/Reality Douche, Vanderbilt – Aaron Rodgers, when healthy, is still one of the best QBs in the game. So why draft a QB and his brother no less? Easy, Aaron Rodgers’ family life is in shambles. He has no relationship with the people that raised him, including the brother he grew up with. The Packers know his psyche needs help. There is no better way to patch things up with the family than coercing Aarron to work side by side with his estranged brother. Packers fans, get ready for the feel good story of the year and a Super Bowl run.
15. AZ Cardinals –Cuba Gooding Jr., WR, Arizona St. – With Larry Fitzgerald’s career winding down, the Cardinals need to draft a replacement for him. They decide to draft Cuba Gooding Jr to reprise his role as Rod Tidwell. Gooding’s acting career is in shambles, so he hopes he can act like a WR in the NFL and not get killed. Or maybe he does want to get killed. He also played OJ in that awful FX production, so Cardinals brass are hoping players will be afraid Gooding will slit their throats.
16. Baltimore Ravens – Ray Lewis III, CB, Coastal Carolina – Lewis is still in college but Ravens petition the league to draft future rights of Lewis and are granted. With Lewis III, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Ray Lewis III staying true to his name was recently cleared of sexual assault charges. Now that is behind him the Ravens decide it would be crazy to pass on him. His pops beat a murder charge and went on to have a HOF career. As an added bonus you get Ray Lewis Sr and his legendary pre-game hype man status to get the squad jacked up.
17. LA Chargers – The City of San Diego – These are the goddamn San Diego chargers, not the LA Chargers. They draft the city of San Diego so they can move the team back. Even playing in their former shitty stadium is better than playing in a 27,000 seat (barely enough for all of Phil Rivers’ children) soccer stadium filled with more visiting fans and vacant seats than Chargers faithful. Chargers hate LA and LA hates them back.
18. Seattle Seahawks – The Official Rights to Use “The 12th man” – Did you know that the Seahawks are posers? “The 12th man” has been Texas A&M’s thing long before the Seahawks became relevant. They have to borrow it from The Aggies. Well, they are tired of being the second team to use it so they draft and pay handsomely to TAMU to own “the 12th man” rights.
19. Dallas Cowboys – Johnny Manziel, QB, Rehab – Oh yeah, he has been drafted, cut, black balled, rehabilitated, incarcerated, and god knows what else. Does Jerry Jones give a flying fuck? No, he does whatever he damn well pleases and Johnny Football is his boy.
20. Detroit Lions – Derrius Guice, RB, LSU – Ok, so this is a real pick, but only because it gives me an opportunity to make fun of the Lions for not having a running back worth a damn since Barry Sanders. In fact, they have not had a back rush for 100 yards in a single game since Reggie Bush did it in 2013. Shit, just draft Barry Sanders out of retirement. Rest assured though, the Lions will destroy Guice’s career, and on the off chance he hits, he will jet from Detroit at the first chance like their few legit picks in the last decade, i.e. Suh, Larry Warford, Nick Fairley, et al.
21. Buffalo Bills – Un-draft Nathan Peterman – The Bills decide to bail on Nathan Peterman and his 1:100 TD/INT ratio. They un-draft Peterman back to Pitt. Peterman will be the starting QB for University of Pitt again next year. Word is that his LBJesqe “coming home” video has already been leaked on campus.
22. Buffalo Bills – Cocaine, Illegal Substance, Columbia, South America – These days the Bills are best known for their dildo-throwing, rowdy fan base, aka Bills Mafia. Fans are regularly seen on the internet doing outrageous things, not just at their tailgates, but inside the stadium. The organization decides to forego a player and stocks up on cocaine to help Bills fans get even rowdier.
23. LA Rams – MDMA, Illegal Substance, Amsterdam – The Rams are following the Bills lead in giving back to the fans. This pick is also aimed for the future. There will be no party atmosphere in the dump they call the LA Coliseum, but there are big plans in store for Rams fans. The new stadium is sure to have a Hollywood party feel to it.
24. Carolina Panthers – P-Diddy, Entertainer/Entrepreneur – The Panthers need a new owner. So ignoring bidders and league rules, they draft P-Diddy to be their new owner. P-Diddy has reportedly wanted to put together a team to purchase the Panthers. He gets his wish. Now he and Cam and the rest of the Panthers can bro it up and be the most hip franchise in the league while still losing games.
25. Tennessee Titans – Vince Young, Retired QB – Marcus Mariota seems to be following the same NFL career path as Vince Young. Solid first couple years, but appears to be regressing. He is yet to go broke or get fat but either could be next. The Titans select Young to advise him to do the exact opposite of what he did when his decline began.
26. Atlanta Falcons – Mariano Rivera, P, NY Yankees (retired) – This is the steal of the draft. This team cannot close a game to save it’s life. Remember when they were winning the Super Bowl 28-3 with three minutes left in the third quarter? Couldn’t close it out. Losers again. Well with the greatest closer of all time they should not have that problem anymore. Also, fuck the Falcons.
27. N.O. Saints – A High School Safety That Knows How to Tackle – This was by far the easiest pick in the draft. The Saints know what they need and they pounce on a local high school kid that tackles bodies not thin air. Next stop, the Super Bowl!
28. Pittsburgh Steelers – Chris Foerster, Cocaine Using Former Assistant Dolphins Coach – Steelers draft a coach rather than a player. Todd Haley was a drunk which is not ideal for a coach; however, coaches that use uppers are a much better fit. That’s where Chris Forester comes in. Man LOVES him some uppers. He will get the aging Big Ben an extra pep in that step.
29. Jacksonville Jaguars – Baker Mayfield, QB, Oklahoma – Blake Bortles is probably the most disrespected guy in the NFL. He is the butt of all jokes. So his team joins the fun and disrespects him by drafting Baker Mayfield, who is a prick in his own right. Mayfield, rather than getting hazed will haze Bortles himself.
30. Minnesota Vikings – Nobody – The Vikings don’t even show up to the draft. They had celebrated themselves into the Super Bowl and forgot to show up for the NFC Championship game. They forget to show up to the draft as well.
31. Philadelphia Eagles – Johnny Cochran, Attorney – This is another pick for the fans. In case you have not noticed, Eagles fans are not the kindest people. So many Eagles fans will be arrested in Minneapolis during the Super Bowl, win or lose, they will need a great criminal defense attorney.
32. New England Patriots – Benjamin Brady, Pissant 8 Year Old Son of Tom Brady – Bellicheat decides to laugh in the faces of the NFL and draft Tom Brady’s 8 year old son. Seeing that Brady is going to play another 20 years, Bellicheat and Brady decide to start grooming the young boy into the great cheaters they are. This is a project pick but I think it will really pay off in the long run.